Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The Wiggles have it out for me...

Me pregnant with Rowan. Me In September. And me now with a lot of work ahead of me. 

I'm stuck on the couch with a heating pad and a sour mood probably for the next few days at least. If not a few weeks. Who knew a groin pull could be so damn debilitating?! 

I didn't *scowl* 

Course the boys are behaving like saints because this means TV and iPad time! The dog though? She's being an uncooperative asshole. She wants to play fetch and lick my face and to be active dammit! I'm right there with her but instead I am all gimpy and her losing her favorite toy under the couch every 5 minutes isn't helping AT ALL. How am I supposed to retrieve it? She doesn't care. Because if I don't, she'll reward me with frantic barks of loss. 

*sigh* 

The Wiggles. The Wiggles did this to me. I was dancing with the kids, hoping for a little added exercise. Doing some of those wiggles dance moves. They should put a damn disclaimer on that shit. I'm freaking dying over here. A little "consult your doctor before you get up off the damn couch you've been sitting on for over a year and try to get all physical all of a sudden" never hurt anybody. 

And can we just take a moment to acknowledge that The Wiggles aren't just silly adults singing doofy kid's songs? Those crazy mofos are freaking athletes. Dancing around like that all day..... YOU try it just for an hour. I dare you. You can't. I bet you can't.....

Never mind. Don't do that if you'd prefer not to be laid up and in indescribable pain for weeks. 

Listen, I've been in tons of pain and gotten through it. Child birth, c section, kidney stones, gallbladder, car accidents, a torn cornea..... This groin pull takes the cake. 

Damn you, Wiggles. 

It's not their fault though. It's mine. Well, a little. I've put on so much weight so fast that I'm prone to these injuries. And this isn't my first one either. The zoloft may have started me on this path with the intense sugar cravings but it's not like I put in a shit ton of effort to stop myself either. And 60lbs in 3-4 months is pretty stressful on the body. 

I need to try harder to lose it. But then injuries like this slow me down. I feel discouraged but at the same time more determined to get healthy because feeling like this is wretched. You can't chase two kids with a groin pull, you know? 

I'd take walking at least. Walking would be nice even. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Have a drink with me?

Someone is getting HUGE. 

Let's catch up, shall we? And not in that whole virtual grabbing a cup of coffee sort of way. This sort of unloading requires vodka and cigarettes..... neither of which do I currently partake in.... but maybe I should because this lady needs a damn vice or two.

As if antidepressants aren't enough. Okay, sometimes they are not.

So, if we were sharing some beers right now,  I'd tell you all about how I have been off the Zoloft for about 7 weeks now. Or so James has told me because I can't keep track of everything. After the initial positive results I had on it..... oh, I'd say a month or so..... things went down hill fast. I was way more agitated, foggy headed, and the sugar cravings were through the roof. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar. He explained that this is why the Zoloft was having a more depressing result for me. But instead of taking me off of it they wanted to add more meds.....

I couldn't handle that.

In the meantime I had to see my primary care doctor who freaked out at the 60lbs I've gained since having Rowan. She insisted I wean off the Zoloft immediately because she's convinced that's the cause.

Damn sugar cravings.

Were you going to eat that brownie?

Yeah, so she found I was also super super low in vitamin D which may be part of the problem too.

Detox was rough. Coming off the zoloft was a little insane. The brain zaps themselves left me dizzy and terrified most of the time. I still don't feel quite right..... not that I ever was ;)

Things aren't better yet. Not even close. I'm pretty depressed and as you can see (if you were actually sitting here) I am up 75lbs currently weighing more than I have in my entire life. My health is shot and it's hard to even get up and down off the floor to play with my kids. Nothing is right at the moment.

But there is hope.

For three days this week my mind felt sharp again. The sugar cravings have subsided entirely and I think that will help the weight loss. Being able to physically move again will certainly lighten this mood up some.

Or so I hope.

During those three days I was actually a bit happy too. Maybe there is a light now at the end of this tunnel.

Whether the Zoloft is leaving my system or maybe what ever postpartum evilness that is causing this is subsiding, I don't know. But it's comforting to know that this may not just be my new normal. That I may not have to find a way to live like this. Because I was starting to worry that I wouldn't be able to.

This year has been rough. And I have missed so so much. I feel like I have missed out on the baby growing up. This Saturday he'll be one.....ONE! I feel like I've been trapped in this void and I don't even know how a year has passed. I'm here with him but I am not fully present in my life right now. I look at Raine and I can't believe I have a 4 year old kid. He sometimes feels so foreign to me. I'm hoping that this is finally coming to an end. Or at least a bearable existence. Because I miss actually living.

The world keeps moving forward no matter how stagnant I've felt. There is no stopping it. So I just need to wake up now. Dear God, please let it finally be happening.

The boys are amazing and are flourishing despite their mother being a bit looney tunes. James is plugging along being the best husband and father on the planet. Or should I call him the mother? Because he's sort of the damn mother now. I give him credit for not just simply divorcing my ass after everything he's been through with me. Sometimes I get so angry about all of this but he remains pretty constant. If I do come out of this it will be in part due to his diligence in keeping the rest of the world stable and ready for me to tread back into reality.

Although he could at least fold the laundry once in awhile ;)

We want more kids but I'll admit, this whole thing has scared me off just a tad. If I have Bipolar like my doctors suggest then I have had it my whole life. I can accept that and clearly before all this I had it somewhat under control. But coupled with postpartum depression it's made this a bit of a nightmare.

I'll have to carefully consider this in the future. I'm not sure there is a way to prepare for this either. Antidepressants work wonders for many sufferers but due to my Bipolar that's no longer an option for me. Being on the Zoloft could very well be the reason I am worse off right now.

That's sort of my hope now though. That the Zoloft just interacted poorly with my disorder and bam! Hell for a year. I'm, perhaps unrealistically, grasping at the possibility that my postpartum depression/anxiety could have been handled better were it not for those medications. And it's not like my doctors knew..... I wasn't diagnosed until AFTER all of this had went down.

Which makes me seriously question the validity of the doctors I had seen my entire adolescence. *eyeroll*

It's something. Something to hang on to. Something to grasp on while I pull myself out of this muck I'm in.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

What do you do all day?

Note: This post was originally posted in another space where I was contributing. I wanted to share it here though. Keep all my writing in one easy access point :)

People love to speculate exactly what it is that I do all day. Not my husband, of course….. Because he’s smarter than that. But I think people so easily assume that I just sit around doing nothing. That that’s what stay at home moms do. 
Well, I’ll tell ya…… Sometimes that’s true. At least it feels that way. 
I clean an hour a day. That’s pretty much it. The rest is spent with the kids. Learning, playing, homeschool, reading, exploring, meals, blowing bubbles, potty training the dog….. Which we seem to be failing at miserably. You get the point. 
To an onlooker it probably actually does look like I’m not doing much with my time. But I like to think I am doing one of the most important jobs in the world. 
Raising my kids. 
I am just fortunate enough to do it full time and want to. But most moms do it. Most dads do it. Whether we work or stay home, choose a career or give it up, we raise our kids. 
Sometimes at the end of the day though I wonder “what did I actually accomplish?” Because it can feel so small. I’m a workaholic by nature and I miss that feeling of accomplishment I would feel at the end of a hard day at work. Sometimes in parenthood that reward for hard work isn’t as evident at the end of the day. Sometimes it takes years to see the strides you’ve made. 
Days where the house is a little dirty and your hair is a mess. When the dishes are piled in the sink and you’re still wearing the same shirt as the day before. Your husband comes home and asks you how your day went and all you can really throw out is that your oldest learned to use the potty. 
That’s right, your kid took a shit on the toilet. 
You didn’t do anything else. Not a goddamn thing but the kid made an offering to the porcelain gods for the first time. 
So yeah, maybe the dishes aren’t done, honey. But I taught a human to poop! 
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.