Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I think therefore....awww crap.

I realized something today. It's a something that I have been sort of battling with and maybe searching for. How long? probably my whole life and today, just now actually, I realized that I may have finally found it. After nearly thirty years of trying to get it right it sort of just sneaks up on me while I am busy with, well, life. Today I realized I finally found.....

Seems sort of odd, I know. It's not easy to understand I guess but it seems as if my life has been just one long identity crisis. While I appear quite content with myself and very comfortable in my own skin to others, it's not an accurate portrayal of what is actually going on inside this head of mine. If I were to be honest than I would have to admit that the last thirty years were spent being some sort of social chameleon. Not ME but what everyone else wanted me to be. 

The reason is laziness for the most part. What others think of me was never really important. It was just easier to be this person, whatever person, someone expected. Most people come into their own early on somewhere in those horrible rotten teenage years but I think I literally slept those years away. Not to mention I was sort of caught up in other more serious matters. It was just easier to move along with the current than to try and identify myself and who I was becoming. It wasn't as easy for me to naturally go about doing this simple task like most people seem to do because I am constantly over thinking everything. 

Later, I found myself struggling to understand who I actually was in comparison to who I was being. I'd make a statement (usually in line with the opinion of the majority) then wonder later if I actually believed in that statement. Even things such as clothing, likes and dislikes, movies I enjoyed, etc seemed to be swayed by the people I was surrounded by. Other times I'd find that I was rejecting this person I was and doing anything in my power to be different which only made me more like everyone else and less like myself anyway. 

I could probably never fully express how badly I struggled with this. I think eventually though I just settled back into that same mindset I was in as a teenager. Go with the flow because it's just so much easier. When I got pregnant that became even easier because it gave me something else to focus on other than this and that has kept me busy enough not to care. 

Somewhere in all that baby/wedding hoopla it must have just happened naturally though. I mean, now that I think about it, I think it's been just sort of naturally happening for a couple of years now. Starting about the time I took that red hair dye to my head because I loved it. 

Suspicions started when I was beginning to hate my whole damn wardrobe. Everything was blah and felt like a costume rather than being any representation of me. I've been discarding clothes left and right and trying new things I've always wanted to but sort of just didn't. Then there is this whole thing with the house redecorating. I'm so frustrated with the Crate and Barrel, cookie cutter thing I have going on here. Really weird when I start missing all my unicorn obsessed decorative crap from my childhood. I've been changing this whole damn house in attempts at finally being comfortable with my surroundings. Finally, I've found that I have real thoughts and opinions on things and I am not hesitant to voice them or to voice when I just don't give a damn. I am no longer taking the easy route of simply being agreeable in attempts at laziness nor purposefully being "different" to somehow appear genuine. 

Realizations started to take place when, after showing a friend the dress I chose for the wedding after party, she said "What the hell is going on with you? What happened to only wearing black? What's with all these COLORS??!!" It struck me, I love colors. I love ALL colors. Even pink! *gasp* Ask me my favorite color and I couldn't tell you because I love them all. And I like dresses too! Suddenly, after years of avoiding any skirt-like garment all I want to buy is cute little dresses and colorful tights. Yep, tights. TIGHTS I tell you!!

Singing Destroyer

When Raine was little, singing this song used to calm even his evilest fits. I couldn't tell you why or how we even happened along this song to begin with because I freaking hate it. It's not like it's on my ipod playlist or anything. I'm thinking it's that uber lame high note that pleases him for whatever reason. Now I hear him singing it to himself all the time.....great. Time to find a song mommy actually enjoys. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Wedding Dress Woes

I'm telling you, this is the wedding from hell. It's purpose here is to simply make my life miserable. What the heck was I thinking? Why would I do this to myself? To my fiance? Why would ANYONE do this to themselves??!! The whole logic within the process is ridiculous and I've reached the point where I am just throwing my hands up in defeat. Screw you, Wedding. Screw you. 

I love this doofy man though and we are committed to having the best day ever even if it brings us to the brink of suicide to get it. My biggest stress right now are the vows and the first dance because you KNOW we can't do anything normal or simple. Nope, I'm orchestrating a freaking rock opera at the moment for the vows and also teaching Mr. No Rhythm how to pull of some semblance of a dance move. He's going to look as if he's having an epileptic seizure out there and someone is going to call an ambulance, I know it.

One thing I FINALLY have figured out is the dress....mostly. That was an absolutely insane process because as The Cuddler would tell you I practically LIVE to second guess myself. It went a little something like this, I went to our local bridal shop to try on different dresses and see if they could special order me a blue dress or make me one. Yes blue. After 12 dresses I pick my favorite and they order it to be colored blue and I impatiently wait for it to come in. It's still not in, by the way. That was 3 months ago. But should be here next week.

During this long waiting process I keep looking at photos of me in the dress and I am getting more and more frustrated. My mind starts racing "Is the dress "me"? Is it "different" enough? Ugh, that beading is ugly. It's sort of plain, isn't it? Maybe it'll look different in blue. Does my ass look big?" and on and on and on....

While this is going on I am casually looking on Etsy for blue wedding dresses which is a huge mistake because even though I had scoured the internet before finding my dress for months with no result, suddenly I am finding quite a few now once I've already PAID for one. So I find one in black and white that I just adore of course and the seller will make it in any color you choose. I debate with myself, I convince myself that I am not satisfied at all with my original dress, I ask The Cuddler what he thinks and of course he tells me "Screw it, go ahead. We are only getting married once." so I do it. I shovel out another $800 (what I also paid for the original dress) and order this dress in blue and white because I am downright certain that THIS second dress is the dress for me. I figure I can sell the original dress and make some money back.

Fast forward to last week. I receive the second dress (holy shit, before the first one) and throw that puppy right on to see my glorious, "had to have it" dress and my reaction is "meh" Really? Yes really. It's not that I dislike the dress. It's very pretty and made very well. It's exactly what I asked for and wanted. Once it was on though it just didn't click for me the way I had expected it to. I've been looking at those pictures of me in the original dress and guess what? I'm in love with THAT dress again. Let's just hope the blue is acceptable.

Do you see what I mean though? This whole wedding has been going like this. It's mostly my fault, I know but the effort is so exhausting. I've decided that from here on out I am just going with my initial gut instinct on everything. If I had been doing that from the start than I could have saved myself a lot of frustration.....and money too.

But the dress should be good. I have already tried on this dress. I've held the fabric in my hand and physically seen the color so I really don't foresee an issue. I'm sure I can sell the second dress pretty easily because it's definitely not a crap dress. Now I have to find a short blue dress for the late night after party I'm having after the reception. I've found some REALLY cute ones. Ones that would actually look pretty darn good as a wedding dress.......

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I can has gratefuls?

It's been more than obvious to everyone around me that I have been in a funk lately. Sort of mopey, slouched, and generally grumpo. It seems every time I am like this (let's face it, it's often) someone has to point out all the things I should be grateful for.....and. It. Pisses. Me. Off. I could tell you what I would like to do to people who say this to me but I'd rather not put myself in a particular situation I actually once found myself where a blog post landed me in handcuffs. Not this blog. It's kind of a funny story, I'll tell you sometime. 

The funny thing about the fact that people pointing this out pisses me off is that I do it too! When people around me get their panties in a twist I am always the first to say "well, don't forget you have ___. You have ___ to be grateful for and I promise it can always get worse" because it's the fucking truth! And sometimes the truth Pisses. Us. Off. 

I was reading Sometimes Sweet (a newer blog on my reading list that I am enjoying) and the author, Danielle,  posted a gratitude list. I started thinking that being down like I have been lately that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to make a little list of my own to help me put things in perspective. You know, because I suppose everyone is right and all. So here are the things that immediately come to mind....
  • The Boy. The Destroyer of worlds. The Destroyer of MY world and that isn't a bad thing. My life was shit before him and it was only getting shittier, My friends. With Raine's existence in my life (and a lot of support from James) I was finally forced motivated to change what needed changing. Now I am the closest to happy that I have ever been. Awww heck, I AM happy. 
  • My husband (to be). For many reasons but mostly because anyone else probably would have killed me by now. If it wasn't for the fact that he's calm and collected when I am chaotic and crazed or level headed when I am emotional I don't think we would work so well together and I am very grateful that we do =)
  • Tagsales. Without them how would I have gotten that sweet ass couch for $20?!
  • That The Cuddler got me Photoshop Elements for Christmas this past year. At first I wasn't sure that I would use it and feared he wasted some hard earned cash but turns out I have much use for it the last couple days. Woohoo for money not wasted!!
  • Hipstamatic. I love it. I'm obsessed. I am going to have WAY to many prints and no place to put them...
  • All this new motivation I have had since the baby got here. I used to be one lazy lady but now the house is clean, I write, snuggle the kid and all sorts of things I once couldn't imagine myself even having the energy of doing. I suppose that is another nod to number one on my list...
  • My Mommy. Because she's always supported me and generally just rocks. She's already proving to be that same positive force in Raine's life and he needs that from someone. Plus she finds all the tagsales....
  • Coffee. Without it I may not even be able to exist. It even helped me quit smoking! Doesn't even matter if it's decaf.....I LOVE coffee.
  • Supernatural. The Show. We love it in this house. I gave BIRTH while watching it! On that note...
  • Epidurals. Need I explain?
  • The basics of course. Family, friends, a roof over my head, foodstuffs, jobs, and Denis Leary. What?! He's funny!

Sentimental enough for ya?

The Cuddler
Yep, even grateful for this idiot. 

Toys?! WHAT Toys?

.....because shoe boxes are SO much more fun!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Conversations With The Cuddler

{Conversations with The Cuddler posts are excerpts of conversations with my husband, James. It's a peek at the hilarious, sometimes bazaar, always nonsensical topics that come up around here. In short, my husband just says the darndest things.}

The Destroyer is eating his gerber dinner in his highchair. Well, sort of. Lots of throwing it about actually. He starts thrusting his chest out and squealing like a pig (my kid is weird) and the resulting conversation went like this:

Me (to The Destroyer): Are you possessed?
The Cuddler: Yeah, possessed by gerber!
Me: haha I know, right.
The Cuddler: Gerber, the sound a yeti makes.
Me: Wait, what?
The Cuddler: You know, "Grrr" because he's a monster and "Brrr" because it's cold in the Himalayas.
Me: *blankstare*

Monday, August 15, 2011

That's not very Yummy at all...

I didn't try any new recipes this weekend. I just wasn't up to it or much of anything really. I'd say it was a pretty bad weekend. At least emotionally even if there WAS some highlights. If it weren't for some ups to balance the downs I think I would have thrown myself in traffic. Yeah seriously, one of THOSE types of weekends. I can't really put my finger on any sort of reason for me to feel this way. Just having a case of the blues I guess *shrug*. 

I think I am just feeling overwhelmed. The wedding is in two months, Raine's birthday is next month (Omg, he's going to be one...), I'm all sorts of nervous about taking Raine on the honeymoon and on the plane for the first time, We just got pre approved for another mortgage (second home) so now I am on save overload to come up with the down
payment and need to do some repairs on this current house so that it has more appeal to renters. These are just some of the things going on that are near the top of my list. Seems I have a billion other things going on in my head on top of this and I'm lucky if I can get any sleep at night. 

But it's not all bad. I went tag saling this weekend for Operation: Redecoration and made a killing. I found this little gem....

I don't care if anyone thinks it's gaudy as hell, We love it. My tag saling partner (Mom) thinks I'm crazy but I just adore this stupid loveseat! I'm redecorating everything around this thing and I only paid $20 for it!! I had $300 budgeted out for a new couch.....score!

Finally got a schedule set for the wedding reception. Months of procrastination and it literlaly took The Cuddler and I five stinkin' minutes. Now if the jewelers would just get going with the wedding rings. I've been waiting on a custom ring for nearly two months now........ not so fantastic. 

And I FINALLY ordered pictures for all the picture frames I have around the house. Only took me three years. I've been saving this one dining room wall for a family picture montage but could never seem to get around to it. I was getting a little sick of Jimmy pointing out and telling everyone how he "knew" the fake families pictured in the stock photos that come with the frames. I also ordered some of my Hipstamatic prints to put up as well. I love that iPhone app. Here are some of my favorites I have taken over the last year...

......aww, looking at those really cheered me up =)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Home is where the....oh, never mind

I can't STAND my house. Well, maybe not so much my house in general but the state of my living space. Is it bad? No, not so much but most certainly not me and it definitely doesn't fit with The Cuddler's personality......although for him I don't think it matters. He makes it his own by sprinkling little food crumbs all over the place and leaving things in disarray which he characterizes as "clean". But I am seriously obsessive compulsive about most things (more on that in a future post) so I will cut the lazy bum a break. 

What I mean is that my decorating style is a little ....... hmmm, off? I decorate the place as if I copied everything right out of a JCPenny catalog. Sometimes I actually do! But this doesn't fit us nor do we even feel comfortable in our own home because of it. The only room in the house that we DO love and tend to feel drawn to is my son's nursery. I think it's because we chose to let loose and have fun with that one which is WHO we are. It was for our child and we wanted it to be great for him and in the process we let ourselves be just that, ourselves.

So why can't I just let go for the rest of the house. Why do I choose to remain so cookie cutter and almost perfect? Who the funk am I trying to impress here?! This is our bedroom....

Cute and comfy, don't get me wrong but the only hint of who the people are that live here are the guitars and the random skelanimal stuffie. Otherwise it's pretty basic and boring.

C'mon, would you believe that THESE freaks live here?
So I am going about changing it. Now I realize we are actually hoping to move soon but I figure that a few new pieces of furniture and some flippin different curtains can come with us. Seeing as we own this current two family as well, it won't hurt to paint and fix up a few things to make it easier to rent out.

First hit is the dreaded living room. The most despised room in the house. I'm off tag saling to see what treasures I can find.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm Just a Closet Butterfly Chaser

I can't watch scary movies with kids in them anymore. More specifically, babies. I'd say any child under two. Three is pushing it because at that point you should be able to defend yourself. Kids are usually little ninja assassins by three, right?

Why? Because my kid has turned me into the stinkin Snuggle fabric softener bear. I'm beginning to worry. Suddenly I have feelings and am empathizing with wee babies all the time now. Seriously, I'm not even supposed to HAVE the ability to empathize....long story. But my son has turned me all squishy, soft, and cuddly-like.

Suddenly though I'm doing just that, empathizing with kids. Or maybe that's not exactly what I AM doing because I don't fully understand what that is. I know it generally means to put yourself in another persons shoes more specifically emotionally but that's not entirely what is going on here.

A few months back I settled in with The Cuddler to watch Paranormal Activity 2 (shut up, I LIKED the first one. You just stop making fun of me!) and when I say settled in I mean I snuggled and broke out the popcorn and he pulled out a blanket to hide under. He's a big ol' baby when it comes to paranormal movies. Anyway, I pop in the movie and there he is...the BABY.

Without giving away too much of the film, the one year old kid finds himself in some scary predicaments at the hands of the main ghost/demon/unseen paranormal thingy. And here I am...........bawling my eyes out like a high school cheerleader who just finished watching The Notebook for the first time. Oh, and screaming. Let's not forget the hysterics. All because I am worried about the baby, can't understand why no one will get him out of there, or praying he doesn't hurt himself.

It was bad. James threatened to shut the movie off I was so upset. But here's the thing, I wasn't overly concerned about this baby in particular. I kept envisioning Raine in his place which made the protective mama bear show her teeth. I suppose that is empathizing in a round about way. I was able to finish the movie and although I can rationalize that it's just a freaking make believe story, the imagery still gives me nightmares on occasion. I'm ridiculous right? Like I said, it's the kids fault.

I've always been like this with animals though. Almost protective and I couldn't stand to hear abuse stories or watch movies where the family pet gets wacked. One of my biggest fears is a house fire where my pets perish. Just the thought of them being in fear and their confusion only to die without understanding brings tears to my eyes. I suppose once I had my son it gave me perspective on children. I didn't much like kids before that but now that has all changed......mostly ;)

Whether it's my kids fault or just old age knocking on my door to merely introduce itself, I am assuming I'll have to get used to it. It's unlikely I'll be able to quit watching my favorite genre of movies so I'll just have to make myself comfortable hiding under the blankets with The Mad Cuddler.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

This birds for you, Facebook.

People keep asking me if I miss facebook. I'm confused. I truly am. It's not my fiance away on a business trip or my cousins living 2 hours away. It's a damn online social networking website. Why the hell would I MISS it? It wasn't a hobby or even something to do to pass the time. If anything, it wasted my time talking to people I probably wouldn't even say hi to at the grocery store. It made me angry so I gave it the finger and threw it away so no, I do not miss it. 

I guess it's not facebooks fault that it's the playground of evil. Not that I don't love me a good dose of evil but this is juvenile evil. I like my evil a little more aged, mature, ya know? I pretty much had enough of watching my peers cat fight online over things they generally wouldn't care about in the real world. God forbid an actual disagreement comes about. Cue the statuses flaming each other and the nasty messages. Technically online bullying really. Hello, welcome to the tenth grade. 

I'm not trying to be all high and mighty suggesting I wasn't participating in this behavior because I was. That was the problem. In a real situation BEFORE facebook I would simply speak with the individual I had a problem with or ignore the situation entirely if it was someone I couldn't give two turtle turds about. It's not really like that anymore with social networking and I must admit I was disappointed in myself for the way I was acting and I sure didn't need the strife that it was causing me when I was the target of some friend or family members rage.

Besides, I miss the days that people called when they wanted to speak to me or stopped over. I miss going out with people and interacting socially in person. It just isn't like that anymore because it's too damn easy to shoot off a message online or even a text. Part of me is hoping that by deleting everyones main source of interacting with me that I might actually USE the minutes I'm freaking paying for on my phone each month. 

So, do I miss it? Nah. It's not to say I won't go back though eventually. It's a good way to make new connections. I won't deny that. I have made a good friend or two with social networking. Heck, the beginnings of my relationship with The Mad Cuddler developed through long, detailed messages on Myspace just getting to know each other. It's not all bad really. Blogging isn't entirely all that different either but for now this lady has more mature evil things she needs to be doing...