Saturday, December 31, 2011

A Very Happy New Year!

Ahhhh, New Years Eve. A night where people have the perfect excuse to get totally obliterated.....  A night where nothing really matters. Where we feel we can restart our lives, start fresh, hope for a better year to come. We can hit that good ole reset button and start anew....or so we try anyway. ;)

This New Years Eve also marks four years together for The Cuddler and I. Yep, that's right. We got....well....totally obliterated four years ago on New Years Eve and here we are. What a way to start a relationship, you say? It's certainly interesting. But we've been pretty much inseparable ever since. Oh Sure, we've TRIED to break up and I've pretty much tortured the hell out off him. We still hold strong though. What can I say? I love the asshole and it's obvious he loves me too......anyone else would have killed me by now. Course, he could still be planning something to rid his life of me but I prefer not to dwell on such things.

The last year has been great for us. We've been pretty blessed......if by blessed you mean that we worked our asses off to get where we are now. I've changed so much in the last two years. I'm still me. I'm still here but I have learned to better handle who I am and I've gotten to know myself so much better. Jimmy has worked pretty hard too this passed year and it's paid off. Debt is finally disappearing and soon will be gone entirely. I suppose I can give myself a little pat on the back in that department as well. I could have stayed home with my son but I chose to go back to work and in doing so I helped pay down that debt and helped provide a better future for our children. Oh, and of course how could I possibly forget that we got married this year!

So it's with a little sadness that I bid farewell to 2011. It was a great year but I also look forward to the future with hopes that 2012 is just as amazing. I mean, as long as the funking world doesn't end or whatever....fucking mayans. If the world DOESN'T end then I hope I can reach some of the goals I have made for 2012. I say "goals" because whoever follows through on those stinkin' resolutions anyhow? Apparently we have till December to accomplish our goals/resolutions anyhow..

Tonight we celebrate with close friends. Dinner reservations then wine and treats back at home. We will wake the boy up at midnight to spend it together as a family. He'll likely be pissed ;) 

Hope everyone has a happy and safe New Year!!

(note: photos taken the New years Jimmy and I got together)

Friday, December 30, 2011

Time Passes...

It amazes me how things can change in a year. It's certainly bittersweet. That's the best way I can explain what it's like watching Raine grow up. Last Christmas we took a photo of Raine and James by the tree. We tried to recreate it this year...

I think I am going to try and recreate this every year. When Raine is much older they can just switch roles and Raine can just hold his father instead ;D

Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Very Banana Christmas...

December/Christmas with us....

Putting up the tree

Grandma snuggles while his parents do all the work

admiring our work =)

Cupcakes for our little Christmas Eve party

That's the most I was going to get him dressed up for Christmas Eve

Catching the little present thief!

In his pajamas opening presents from Jimmy's side of the family on Christmas Eve

Christmas Morning

My Mothers tree on Christmas Morning......
The Destroyer is a very spoiled little boy!

Make way for the new Cuddler

Determined boy

Now I can get payment every time he acts up...

Raine's favorite gift so far...

...and that would be his second favorite.

end of the night sleepy pictures in front of the tree

Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

So This Is Christmas

Christmas, we celebrate it in this house. We don't get too extravagant. As far back as I can remember, it was always my mom, my brother and I. No family get togethers or crazy parties. Just the three of us. I always liked it this way. Far less stress and everyone knows how antisocial I am ;) It was just more intimate sharing it with the people who meant the most to me. 

Now we have added The Cuddler and The Destroyer to the mix but we still celebrate the holiday in that quiet, private way. I mean, if you can call my mother and brother arguing over whatever Christmas present they are currently trying to assemble "quiet" ;D I think that might be damn near my favorite part, listening to those arguments! 

But it's just us. Mom makes Christmas dinner and my brother sleeps late. I'm usually impatiently waiting for him to wake up so we can open gifts! I may be coming into my 30's but I'm still like a little kid on Christmas morning. Not to open my own presents though. I'm usually ecstatic to watch everyone open the gifts I got for THEM. 

That's the best. Watching my family's faces light up over their gifts. One year I bought my mom a digital camera. Just a point and shoot but she damn near cried over that thing she was so happy about it. I loved that Christmas. I felt I did good work that year =)

That's part of what Christmas is about really. Regardless of your beliefs, the holidays represent giving, loving each other, and appreciating who and what we have in our lives. You can give me all the gifts in the world but nothing is better than having my family together on Christmas, seeing the smiles on their faces, and my mom's tasty noms in my belly.....because tasty noms is necessary don't you know ;D

Momma raised us right. She taught us to appreciate the important things in life especially since we grew up having very little. She always struggled though to make Christmas pretty awesome even in the gift department. We went without a lot during the year but she made sure we had gifts to open Christmas morning. Even now that my brother and I are in our late twenties she tries to carry on that tradition. Doing her best to put as many gifts as she can under the tree for both of us. Sometimes this can cause her quite a bit of stress. I wish she would realize that the gifts aren't what's important to us but I do appreciate how much she loves us, trying still so hard to make the holidays great for us. 

The last two years I have received the best gifts of all. I found out I was pregnant and then the following year I gave birth to my son. This holiday is even more exciting now that Raine is older. He may not fully understand everything but he's definitely caught up in the excitement of it all. 

The way that my mom works hard to make it awesome for us I plan to now do for him. I'm hoping that I will be just as successful at instilling the same values..... 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Five Little Monkeys

We read to The Destroyer.....a lot. Enjoy this video of The Cuddler reading "Five Little Monkeys"

(note: feel free to overlook my husbands doc brown-type hairdo)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

If you lost a loved one tomorrow (a husband, parent, wife, or even a child) what would you wish you had done or said to them? Would you regret anything? Did you say "I love you" enough or treat them well? Would you wish you had done more?

It may sound crazy but I try to pose these questions to myself daily. Sometimes hourly.

Morbid much? Maybe. I have a tendency to worry as such but it's a good way to keep my emotions in line while also helping me to avoid any of these regrets.

The Cuddler and I obviously have moments when we are cross with each other. No matter how much I may want to break his knee caps at the time, if he's about to head to work, I make an effort to hug him goodbye. Tell him I love him. To let him know that despite my current desire to cause him bodily harm I still love him very much. We "don't go to bed angry" so to speak.

I can't guarantee that he'll ever walk through that door again. How am I to know what will possibly happen from the moment he steps out till the time he returns? Better yet, what if something happens to me while he's away? It's important that we never question what we mean to each other. I refuse to ever wonder or to have him do the same.

I try to apply this thought process to all that are important to me. I take photos and videos of myself with Raine so that if I don't come home one day he'll have no doubts or question if I loved him. I make sure my friends and family are aware of what they mean to me. My heart is on my sleeve and that's fine by me because to me, the danger is in NOT making everyone aware of how I feel.

I don't hold on to anger for too long. I've always been overly forgiving by nature anyway but at least I feel secure in my relationships with those I love. Unforgivable scenarios aside, there isn't much that could make me feel so angry with someone that it's worth how I would feel if I lost them without making amends.

That's not to say that I let people walk all over me. You can't spend your life doing all the caring and getting nothing in return. Sometimes its better to extricate yourself from individuals in your life that aren't really worth your time and spending that effort on people who actually give a shit.

Generally speaking, I don't think a lot of people understand this concept until it's too late. Oh, we certainly will SAY we understand it (especially when someone is upset with US and we feel the need to remind them that we could die know, so you HAVE forgive me, right?) but when tragedy strikes we still wish we did and said more.

For me, I think it's because I lost my father so young. I was only six but I still regret not being able to say more, to tell him I loved him, to hug my daddy and say goodbye. Goodbyes aren't always possible of course but children at that age are simply self absorbed. I want this new toy and I'm not realizing the importance of telling my father I love him. I was too young to understand all of this but I think it helped me learn that lesson. 

So I put in the effort because the people I love are worth it. I'm thankful for a husband that never goes a minute without making sure I know he loves me too. I can't say the same thing for everyone around me though unfortunately. Even still, there are other people in my life that may not be so forthcoming with these things but I know from their actions. More times than not, thats more important.

It may sound a little cliche but I encourage you to live every day as if it's your last. Appreciate the people you care about because you never know when it will be their last day either. Christmas is a time when people tend to show these things a little bit more......maybe think about living EVERY day like it's Christmas? Perhaps? 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Annoyance? Love? It's All The Same..

Dainelle's post over at Sometimes Sweet about annoying yet endearing things we do made me smile and the attached video had me laughing too. Go check it out! It inspired me to write my own post because there are so many things I know I do that make The Cuddler crazy and vice versa.

Let's start with him though, shall we?
  • Everything is a project. If I ask him to sweep and mop the floors it takes him sometimes 2 hours. I can do it in a half hour. Why? Because he's almost insanely thorough. He's been known to take a mr clean sponge to these floors. On all fours just scrubbing away. This goes for everything he does though. He makes everything bigger than it is. 
  • I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before but he eats off the floor. It's a big joke amongst our friends and family. There is no 5 second rule with this guy. If it was dropped 5 minutes ago it's still game. I don't doubt if it was a week it wouldn't make a difference but the theory hasn't been tested. Like I said, it's mostly a joke but that makes it even worse! Then he thinks he HAS to do this to live up to his reputation. Once he saw a bag of chips on the sidewalk....
  • He insists on singing any female vocalist parts in duets we do when we go to karaoke. Even worse, he's a total attention whore and most times will just sing the whole song over you! I just quit singing with him all together ;)
  • he's getting better at this, but he never puts things back where he finds it. I'm OCD and I usually put things exactly where I want them. I swear he moves them to get me going..
It's funny though. The things that annoy me the most about him are also the things that I love about him. They are the things that I find adorable even if I want to bonk him over the head with a frying pan when he does them ;)

My turn? If I'm honest....

  • That OCD thing I mentioned? It's considered a mild case but I think to Jimmy its a major "What the hell?!" Sometimes if things aren't clean or in their proper place I go into major meltdown mode. In retrospect it's freaking hilarious but at the time I can tell by the look on his face that he's wondering where the nearest exit is. 
  • I have this sort of snacking/hunger issue. When I'm hungry no snack will do. I get frustrated because usually at this point we have devoured everything in the house. Jimmy will try and suggest things and my most common response is "but it's not a meal!!" he mimics this and teases me often. Usually we end up getting tons of food or cooking a big meal to feed the beast that is my stomach. Occasionally though I will have a few bites and declare myself full......which makes everyone wanna punch me in the mouth. ;D
  • I sleep with a fan on. Even in the winter. Currently it's not so bad for James because our room stays very warm now that we added a lot of furniture but in the past that poor guy has froze for me. Snuggled up under two heavy blankets and shivering like a chihuahua. If that isn't love...
After four years together I could probably go on forever. It's these little quirks about each other though that keep things interesting. I may be annoyed occasionally but they would be the first things I'd miss if Jimmy wasn't around.

And anyway, at least I don't have to worry about cleaning food off the floor when I've dropped it ;)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Not Very Comfortable In This Suitcase

There are times I feel that I just don't fit in anymore. Not in my personal life with The Cuddler and The Destroyer, that's fine. More than fine. It's perfect. It's probably the only area in my life I feel I totally belong. Everything else though...meh.

I'm not unhappy at all. None of this awkwardness seems to be having any effect on my happiness with my life. At least in general. I'm just uncomfortable and honestly I'm unsure how I should proceed with that. Most days I want to shut off the world, hole up with my family, and just have some peace.

Maybe that's it. Other peoples negative crap rubbing off on me. It explains this strong feeling of wanting to flee from everyone. I haven't changed but a lot has changed for people and things around me and it's reflected strongly through everyone's attitudes and outlooks.

Respecting me has become nearly nonexistent too. Maybe I never had that and if I am honest, looking back on who and how I was, I wouldn't expect to have it anyway. But without respect, love isn't really genuine. Id prefer to be left alone rather than deal with anything other than genuine.

Not fitting in, it's kind of like cramming yourself in a standard suitcase. That's not very comfy at all. You can tolerate it for a bit but eventually something's going to start aching. Wait it out in that suitcase a little longer and permanent damage could be done. Feeling as good as I do about the direction of my life, I really can't afford the back problems.

A change is needed. Not to gain happiness but definitely to maintain it. I see a lot of it happening in the next year for us. Good changes. I'm even excited although not very patient.

Weight's a little down...

Don't ask me how I did it but I'm down 5lbs this week. I went back up a pound last week (and for good reason. I cheated like crazy.) and I was on the same path this week...ok, maybe not as bad but I'm down 5. Deserving? Probably not but I'll take it.

I mean, I ate BETTER but not great. Maybe it was because I took in more water. I also got a Kuerig coffee machine which has stopped me from drinking many Dunkin Donuts coffees that are high in calories. Whatever the reason I'm not going to complain one bit. Now if I can only keep it off through Christmas...

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Christmas Realities

(Note: no statement in this post is meant to offend or judge anyone's parenting choices. I'm merely rambling about my own experiences and parenting decisions.)
With Christmas fast approaching, I've been seriously debating what we are going to tell The Destroyer about the holidays. This year he's still young but it's become apparent that he is picking up EVERYTHING that is going on around him......everything I tell you. I've been putting it off, this decision but the time has come to figure this crap out.

On one hand Santa, the north pole, the reindeer, and all that jazz can be part of the fun and magic during this time of year. There certainly seems to be so much more we can do with our kids if we go the Santa route. Little traditions created that will encourage their little imaginations. I partly look forward to making cookies and leaving them out with milk for Santa. I think that elf on a shelf tradition would be fun each year. But then there will have to come the day where the truth comes know, when we tell them that we have been lying to them. When we have to take all that magic away.

Perhaps "lying" is a strong word. It's exactly how I felt though when I found out. Of course, I was four. I started reading a little early.....eventually I put things together. I went to my aunt and she confirmed my suspicions. I spent a big chunk of that year being pretty infuriated with my folks. I remember clearly how sad I felt that I couldn't trust them. Granted, I got over it and obviously hold no grudges and yes, I was a child who had a flair for the dramatic but that shouldn't trivialize my feelings at the time.

Did it effect my life at all? A little. So my therapist would tell you. Maybe it was because I found out so young. Maybe if we tell them at the appropriate time it will be easier to absorb. I know not all kids take it as hard as I did. The Cuddler can't recall being traumatized at all by it. I look at Raine's little angelic face though and wonder how I can lie to him. Even if it's for fun. Somehow that seems so much worse. Isn't there other ways to stimulate his little imagination?

If I tell him the truth from the get go then how will we make the holidays just as special for him as the other kids. Furthermore, how do I prevent him from blabbing to his peers?! Kids talk you know! But if I play into the magic a little then it's possible I could finally enjoy it a little like I didn't get to when I was a kid.

Maybe I'll just let the husband handle this one because I think it's obvious that I'm a little warped.

Telling you of nonsense things,

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Conversations With The Cuddler

{Conversations with The Cuddler posts are excerpts of conversations with my husband, James. It's a peek at the hilarious, sometimes bazaar, always nonsensical topics that come up around here. In short, my husband just says the darndest things.}

I see the above someecard on Pinterest and read it out loud to James..

Jimmy: Hmmm, I've never thought of that.
Me: What? Going to Mcdonalds for a salad or a whore for a hug?
Jimmy: Going to a whore for a hug.
Me: Why in the heck would you go to a whore for a hug?!
Jimmy: I don't know.....a change of pace. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Sadness And Thankfulness

Sometimes it takes something shitty happening to you to put things in perspective. Not that I didn't have perspective but maybe I didn't know what I wanted even though I thought I did. Or maybe it took losing something that I didn't know I even had to make me realize I actually wanted it.....if I even had it to begin with. Okay, I think I'm getting ahead of myself.

I thought I had my life figured out for the most part. The Cuddler and I had some definite set plans for the immediate future. But something shitty happened this week that made me reevaluate our plans a bit. Or more than a bit. I've been sad and things have been a bit jumbled. There's even a possibility that there is no reason to be sad because what we think happened may have not. Unfortunately we will never know and it's already set the thought process in motion so whether or not it DID happen I am still sad and questioning our path therefor making the actual event irrelevant.

The Cuddler has left this one on me. Either path I choose to take us down he is supportive and happy with. It's not even that I can't have both paths but choosing one delays the other and I'm not a patient person. Call me Varuca Salt because I want it NOW!!

Life is so good right now. There are plenty of things we are wanting but nothing we are needing and we are satisfied with that. Some people will never feel that brand of contentment so I consider us very lucky. We worked very hard to acquire that luck too which makes me feel extra satisfied and maybe even a little extra lucky because all that work paid off. I have so much to be thankful for and I am. All this is a minor bump in the road.

I'm proud that I am handling it so well actually. If it were a couple years ago, I'd have been a wreck. It's just a decision though brought on by something a little sad. Good things come out of the bad ones a lot of the time and I'm glad that I'm in a place in my life where I can realize that.

So I'll keep trucking now with a greater sense than I had before of what I want for our future. Also, with the knowledge that everything I have is awesome too.