Thursday, June 28, 2012

Sleep Evades And Now I'm Crazy

I am so terribly tired right now that I can't form any actual thoughts or keep my eyes open. I don't know how I am typing this right now honestly. I'm pretty much on auto pilot. I've managed to work out everyday but that's all I have accomplished the last two days because I have not slept more than two hours tops. 

I can't seem to keep my mind in check. I'm on hyper speed and pretty much manic. This is actually normal for me after a stronger bout of depression. I have been so excited about so many things and a little down about others so my brain won't shut down at night. By the time I actually fall asleep the sun is coming up and the birds are chirping. 

The little down part? I'm starting to really despise the hours Jimmy is putting in at work. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am very grateful for his job. I'm even more grateful to be married to a brilliant man with an incredible work ethic (although you wouldn't know it at home where the garbage was so over full this morning that Raine felt it perfectly acceptable to snatch a banana peel from the top and start eating it!). 

That being said, no amount of money in the world is worth not seeing my husband nearly at all. It got so bad that I was in tears begging him to quit this morning. I'd rather we sell goods on the side of the road and live in our car if it meant that I would see my husband more and be with my family everyday. I know that these hours are temporary (it's actually over in the next couple weeks) so I just need to be patient. Dear god, help me be patient. 

The exciting stuff is just all these new thoughts and ideas running through my head. I am planning a baby shower for my bestest buddy and I can't wait to start crafting and molding what's in my head and making it happen. Plus Raine will be two (holy crap.....How can crap be "holy" anyway? I'm sure Jimmy has an answer for this) and I am on top of planning his party too. Plus I have all these decorating ideas prancing around my skull! I don't want to waste them on the house I hate so I am getting anxious to move forward and buy a house already. Pretty soon though. Pretty soon. 

If you can't tell from this post I am pretty out of it. I'm manic and hyper. I feel bad for the friends and family I have texted the last few days because they are probably like "whoa, slow down woman". It's not all bad honestly. It's like all my emotions and thoughts are heightened so while that means the bad ones seem intense it also means the good emotions are made fantastic! It's another faze that I go through and thankfully it should be over soon. Probably when I finally get some sleep!

And that also being said, I am taking a long weekend. My tears have paid off (I would never manipulate with tears.....ever *cough*)  and Jimmy is taking a vacation day tomorrow. I'm spending this weekend with my family and there will be no interruptions and I'm going to get some sleep even if that means knocking myself out with a heavy dose of Nyquil! Then things should be rainbows an puppies after that. So please don't fret over no post tomorrow (I'm talking to you, Miss Melinda)....I'll be back Sunday with my Instagram obsession Lovins.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Something's Different...

So, some of you have noticed the changes around here and over at the Facebook page. What do you guys think? I love it. =D Michelle over at The Momma Bird hooked me up with this new blog design and I have to say, I'm smitten =)

And might I add, this talented lady is also very patient because I am PICKY! No seriously, I'm terrible but she put up with me and came up with this prettiness. Between you and I, I may or may not be refreshing the page every hour just so I can look at the layout over and over....but I didn't tell you that.

Tell you what?

Exactly.

So tell me what do you think? And head over and visit Michelle so you can tell her how awesome she is. ;)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Conversations With The Cuddler

{Conversations with The Cuddler posts are excerpts of conversations with my husband, James. It's a peek at the hilarious, sometimes bazaar, always nonsensical topics that come up around here. In short, my husband just says the darndest things.}

Me: You know, your pants wouldn't feel so snug if you didn't eat sixteen cupcakes the other day at work.
James: I didn't eat sixteen cupcakes!! Why do you exaggerate so much? I ate seven. Just seven. 
Me: ...... 

While that conversation is pretty funny, I'm a bit concerned. I should be, right? Who sits around and eats SEVEN cupcakes. That's insane. Not that he hasn't always had a big appetite. He eats all day. He's one of those people that just grazes but it didn't worry me so much before because it was always things like veggies or leftover chicken breast. You know, healthier things. And his metabolism is top notch because he's a stick....well, he was

He's put on some weight though the last few years and I have noticed his eating habits leaning more towards the junk food side of the spectrum. I blame the people he works with. The secretaries are always baking and every friday there seems to be some sort of pizza party or, get this, company barbecue going on. That's right, his company hosts weekly barbecues during business hours.

First off, where can I get an application? 

Second, I don't care how well they pay him, They're going to kill him. 

Jimmy is like a goldfish. It doesn't matter if he's full or just ate. If food is placed in front of him (or dropped on the floor) he will eat it. Even if it's something he doesn't like or he's allergic to he will still eat it. Is that really true about goldfish, by the way? Will they really just keep eating till they die or is that a myth? I need to go google this....

Wow, according to wikipedia it is. Nice. 

So I have been getting on his case because what kind of model wife would I be if I didn't nag him constantly about something? I'm genuinely worried though. We eat healthy at home so I have been making him report back what junk he eats everyday at work and then I scream at him about it for two hours straight. I figure that should be enough of a downer to get him to quit it. And he can't lie to me because I know who he works with and they will definitely snitch him out just for the entertainment value of watching him get into trouble. 

I also bought him this...


Yes it's a human hamster wheel. If he wants to eat junk then he will be forced to run it off... yep, wearing that hat for entertainment value. Hopefully this will stave off the inevitable heart attack he's in for if he doesn't cut the crap. If I torture him enough I'm pretty confident that he'll get right ;)

Image via

Monday, June 25, 2012

Raine's New Pool

Not much on my mind today so I leave you with this (probably boring) video of my kid testing out his new kiddie pool. But I hooked up a nice Franke Lymon soundtrack so it should have a little more entertainment value for you now. At least you can boogie. Besides, The Boy is cute too! ;D

That part where you see Raine waving "bye"....that's his new thing. He waves "bye" at you if he wants you to leave. In this case I guess he wanted his Aunty Melinda to hit the trail ;)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Instagram Lovins

This week has been much better for me emotionally. I think I am semi coming out of whatever funk I seem to have been in thankfully. If not than I am at least handling things much better. A few long talks with some friends and a new daily routine have cheered me up some though and I am definitely going to take it. Kicking some depression ass like I said I would ;)

Some other bits of happiness this week include.....


1} He's chewing on my tape measure. Who DOES that?! Maybe he's tired of mommy measuring herself and getting pissed off ;D
2} More big curls and trying to decide what color to do my hair next. I think I kind of miss the purple. I didn't have it too long and I think it may have been the best color on me.
3} That's my pillow cuddling fool.
4} .....who also likes to take all my clothes out of my dresser drawers, pile them up, and cuddle those too.
5} I'm obsessing over silhouettes of the boy lately. He's got such a handsome little profile.
6} paying extra close attention to ABCmouse
7} Birdies and trees on my favorite ikea curtains. My little 11 month old niece has taken to pointing at them and telling us about the trees. Her mother and I shared a confused moment not knowing what she meant by "trees" before we realized she's obviously smarter than we are ;)
8} Pellegrino, Baby.
9} We give our kid a bag of carrots every week and he counts them or beats them up the entire grocery shopping trip.

Praying that this coming week is just as good if not better than the past one.

Do you Instagram? Follow me: mrs_aerykssen 

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Fever

Awww, baby Raine :)

Two out of three of my bridesmaids are pregnant. I know that pregnancy is contagious and all but I'm looking around and noticing that a crazy amount of my peers are knocked up. Too many of them. I'm beginning to wonder if there was some sort of fertility drug passed around at my wedding because they were all in attendance. A fertility drug that took 3-7 months to do the deed. Apparently I wasn't allowed any. If my third bridesmaid falls pregnant I may start suspecting sorcery.

Not that I want to be pregnant just yet. The baby fever is hitting hard but Jimmy and I agreed, not till the end of the year. After the house is purchased and Raine is two therefore weened from the tit. Although it seems Jimmy has forgotten our little agreement because upon finding out about the latest pregnancy he has practically been humping my leg and begging for baby number two.

He rationalizes that this new baby will have plenty of friends if we get pregnant with everyone else ...... not that Raine doesn't have any "friends" (as much as a two year old can actually have friends) but he doesn't have many his own age that he actually socializes with. Raine's minions are all either a year younger or a few years older. I argue that it obviously hasn't affected Raine socially .... he's way more social than we are. In fact, I have started taking cues from my kid during social situations. Now I hug random strangers and steal their water bottles. It has mixed results but seems to have a positive effect overall.

I keep arguing with myself over whether or not I am ready. But I think I'll have this internal debate no matter when we decide to start trying, be it now or when we planned. I have a million reasons why we should wait as we discussed but my body and maybe even my heart are totally flipping me the bird, calling me chicken, and screaming at me to move it along already because I'm not getting any younger. I cried over watching a dog give birth to puppies on television the other day, people. Shiz is getting real.

But what if the house situation is delayed by another snag at Jimmy's job? I can't fit another baby in this house even if it lives in Jimmy's sock drawer because, whoa, that guy has a lot of socks. Then there is Raine. I'm not sure I am ready to give up this solo time with him yet. He's so stinkin perfect and I want to fully cherish him. Oh I know I'll love the next one (and the one after that) the same but right now he's the child in front of me. My perfect little Destroyer. It's hard to let go of it just being the three of us.

Then there is the fact that all our friends are pregnant. Are we just feeling this way because we are seeing all these little babies and pregnant bellies around? If I give into myself and Jimmy's incessant whining will I have done so because of everyone else? Besides, is waiting six more months to start trying when we planned all that long to wait?

I know that there will never really be a "perfect" time to have another baby. Even when we decide it's time I will think of reasons why it isn't. But I am going to stick with the plan even if that means buying a taser to ensure that Jimmy stays away. I look at it this way, now there is going to be a lot of babies to steal cuddle over the next year. I just need. to. focus. on. the. plan.

.....and everyone needs to quit getting pregnant. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Open Minded and Always Learning

I have discussed my beliefs here before so I am not going to get into that all over again. I think I have a firmer grasp on my thoughts in all this but I also respect and even appreciate others beliefs. I'd like to think that I am more open minded. So while I feel I have discovered a certain idea of what I believe, I still feel I am always searching and learning. Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet posted about her beliefs on God, the afterlife, science, etc. and she also posted this quote by Ann Druyan (Carl Sagan's wife):

"When my husband died, because he was so famous and known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — and ask me if Carl changed at the end and converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage and never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief and precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous and so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space and the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me and it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful."


I love it. While I may not share in her beliefs entirely this quote makes me think. If James died tomorrow could I say that we lived in "vivid appreciation" of each other and our time together? I worry that maybe because I expect to have my loved ones "forever" in accordance with what I believe that I'm not appreciating them enough NOW. 

Well, It's about freaking time I start. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

That awesome time I got arrested

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I got arrested for beating up Jimmy? I didn't? How careless of me! Sheesh, it's not every day a woman gets arrested for beating up her boyfriend around here. Not without a weapon or hitting them with a stinking car, at least.

Okay, let's be honest here. I couldn't beat up James even if he was zonked out cold on Nyquil and I had a crowbar. He may not seem like much especially when you see him like this.....

Actually, to a normal person that't probably terrifying...

But he's no slouch. Even if I had a weapon and he was hopped up on cold medicine he'd still probably be able to subdue me.....and who wouldn't want to be subdued but that ^ ? Meee-owww ;)

(Honey, no one thinks that hair is sexy. Cut that @#$%!)

We were outside our friend's bar waiting for her to close up so we could all head out for some late night din-din. I was in the mood for a walk because I totally dig that walking thing and I figured I'd walk to the diner and meet everyone there but The Cuddler's sense of chivalry wouldn't allow such a thing. He wanted to drive us there. So I may or may not have kind of lightly tapped shoved him in the chest while I explained to him that I was an independent woman that could take care of myself and didn't need a man to take care of me blah blah blah. But before I could finish my feminist spiel I was surrounded by cop cars. 

Apparently some young cop half my age happened to be driving by when I had lightly tapped shoved Jimmy in the chest and felt the need to not only intervene but arrest me! My charges? Till this day I don't even know because I am still so flabbergasted and shocked by the whole event!!

All I do know is that suddenly I was surrounded but 50 patrol cars and 125 officers (that may be a bit of an exaggeration but honestly, not by much) and I'm pretty sure I was bawling as I was handcuffed and guarded like I was some sort of violent serial killer. I recall Jimmy giggling as he tried to explain to the officers that I hadn't so much as harmed a hair on him (not that it matters if I had.....he has plenty. See example above) as they shoved me into a cop car to take me to the station. 

I was charged and let go without bail although you'd think with the way they acted that it would have been set at like, a million dollars. I am a hardened criminal after all. I had court a few days later and the judge couldn't be bothered with my laughable (no seriously, he laughed) case and just sentenced me to six months of therapy to deal with my "anger" which my therapist at the time basically just signed off on so we could get back to discussing my real issues ....... like that time my mom got me a stuffed puppy for Christmas when I had specifically asked for a real one. 

This incident still haunts me. The Cuddler loves to tease me about it. Once a month Jimmy still gets a newsletter from our local woman's abuse group. Sometimes they even call as if to check to make sure he isn't in need of their services.....

"James, cough if you need assistance and we will send help" 

The sad part is, they seem to forget that I actually used to volunteer there. They know me. Even sadder still is the fact that actual battered woman (or men for that matter) don't seem to get as much assistance as they are always trying to offer Jimmy!

The moral of the story: Walking ain't worth it. Just get in the damn car. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Why not drive?


I'm starting to wonder if I am just suffering from extreme cabin fever. Lately with Jimmy working late and everyone being busy during the day all week it seems all I do is sit home shut in the house all day. I clean the house, I play with Raine, I write and that's pretty much it. Jimmy is so tired from working as much that weekends aren't much better although we do try to get out in the fresh air more. I need to break out of this jail but I am definitely not walking Raine around this sketchy neighborhood and I don't drive. Though at this point I wish I could! I don't even know how to drive.

I'm terrified of cars. Of driving. Of being a passenger. Pretty much anything to do with being around a car as it's moving. It's a real phobia. Yet another thing that people tell me I need to just "get over" but I don't see many of them facing their fears let alone a phobia or two.  Admittedly this phobia seems to have gotten better than even a year ago but it's still pretty tough to navigate.

I wasn't always scared. I used to love road trips to see family in New York and once I even rode with some friends all the way down to Florida (from Connecticut) and back without even being nervous. No, this is something that sort of just developed seemingly out of the blue over the last 10 years.

Originally I thought it was due to the many car accidents I have been in. I was never the driver. Always the passenger. Due to this phobia I have never had my license or even learned to drive.

Anyway, the first accident was the worst. I was sixteen and my mother was driving. I was in the passenger seat. We were parked at a stop sign and my mom looked both ways to check for any oncoming traffic before pulling out. There was one car coming but it was over a quarter of a mile down the road so she figured she had plenty of time. She didn't realize how fast this woman was actually driving. We had only pulled out half way when this woman smashed into our front end going 80-90 m.p.h.

Mom broke her arm and my airbag didn't deploy. Also, my seatbelt stretched so I hit the windshield, even went a little ways through it and then was pulled back into the car when the seatbelt quit stretching and finally caught me. I was messed up pretty bad after that. Some eye damage and a badly busted up/torn up face.

The fear didn't really develop after that one though. I was nervous to be in the car for a bit but over time, I'd say six months or so, I was back to being just fine in a car. I wasn't ready to get my license or drive myself but there was zero trepidation about going anywhere in an automobile.

The next accident was two years later. My mother was again driving and the other person was speeding. We were sideswiped when this guy blew through an intersection. I walked away with a broken sternum and plenty of broken ribs but again, there was little fear about being in a car after that. Not after the third car accident either which was in Florida and was my friend's fault. He missed a stop light and slammed into the side of a van.

The phobia started to develop probably about a year after that third crash. I shouldn't say "develop" because it was more like it appeared over night. I was just riding with my mom to the store one random day and I was terrified. I was jumpy and panicky. I could hardly breath. The whole 15 minute trip ended in hysterical tears.

I haven't had a comfortable car experience since then although recently, after our honeymoon in florida, things do seem to be a touch better. I refused to let Jimmy or my mom rent a car down there and insisted we take shuttles everywhere assuming that a "shuttle" would be a big diesel bus of some sort. Turns out they were just small mini vans so I was forced to deal with my issues the whole time we were there if I wanted to do anything other than sit in the hotel room all day.

When I came home from that trip I noticed that being in the car, while still slightly uncomfortable, wasn't nearly as terrifying as it usually was. I've theorized that my phobia must have been linked to the one accident that was actually my driver's fault. For whatever reason it just took it's time setting in. Maybe when I was out with my mom that day something happened to trigger that experience. Who knows. But that last accident was in Florida. Is it possible that going back to Florida and facing my fear there sort of mentally started me on the path of healing from all this? I like to think so. Dear god, I hope so!

Sadly though it's unlikely that I will ever be able to get my license due to some damage I already had with my eyes and that I later sustained from the first accident. It's a pain to explain but suffice it to say that my vision pretty much stops me from driving. I'm lucky to even see this computer screen right now. Okay, maybe not so lucky. This computer screen is bigger than most people's television screens ;)

So if it's cabin fever then it appears I am stuck. At least for a little while longer. Things will be cleared at Jimmy's work the first week of July so we can finally go about choosing a home and out of this neighborhood. Hopefully into a nicer neighborhood that I won't need to shut myself and Raine away from.

We can finally go outside then!! It's like Flowers in The Attic up in this piece.....without all the creepy incestual sexual tension obviously. Ugh, those books were really terrible.....

Monday, June 18, 2012

Ramblings And Instagram Lovins

There wasn't much going on over in Instagram Land last week with the mood I've been in.  I didn't really feel like snapping pictures and there isn't many pictures you can take in bed anyway. I never really know how long these things are going to last. Could be weeks, could be months but it seems to be letting up some finally. I can still feel that heaviness in my chest like some tragic event has taken place but I can't quite put my finger on what it was...because it wasn't anything and it's never anything specific. The pain just is. There's never a cause even if it might feel like there is.

One thing I am finally realizing after weeks of psychological discussion with the all-knowing James is that the only thing I have control over is me. I don't need to worry about everyone else. It's okay to say no sometimes or not allow myself to be treated unfairly and certainly not unkindly. This is my life. I can keep in it the good things and get rid of the bad things because sometimes there is no saving them. 

The anxiety is leveling out it seems. At least, it's not nearly as frequent. Exercise and diet seem to help with that. I'm glad for the improvement. 

Anyway, here are the four measly photos I took last week.....

Raine's teething seems to be subsiding....that's assuming he wasn't faking it the whole time to get in more television. He seems a little to content here to be the teething monster he was acting like. 

This is the silent power struggle that goes on in our home. I accidentally forget to refill the toilet paper roll so Jimmy accidentally forgets to replace the soap. Tonight I will accidentally spill my Nair into his shampoo bottle. 

I may be feeling a little down lately but my curls have been looking fantastic!

Auntie Melinda and Uncle Marc really do give the best gifts. Raine has been obsessed with the box of blocks all weekend. 

Here's to hoping for a better week!

Do you Instagram? Follow me: mrs_aerykssen

Sunday, June 17, 2012

To James, On Father's Day.

James,

I know that this is just the sort of thing that is going to embarrass the heck out of you. Do you see any hint of caring on my face? ;) I love you and if I don't say it enough (which we both know I do because I probably say it twenty times a day) than I am sorry and what better way to make up for it than to say it publicly on my blog?! OOhhhh yeeeaahh. And quit your whining because I know how much you love the attention otherwise you wouldn't be asking me "....is that a "Conversation With The Cuddler?" all the time. I'm on to you and your attention seeking behavior.

Did you know that you're an awesome father? That's something I KNOW I don't say enough. But you are. Pretty much the best that I know. Raine is so lucky to have you as a dad. No, I am not being sarcastic, shut up.

I thought I was so lucky when I met you. We may have had some rough times but I always loved you even if it took me awhile to realize just how much. I didn't think it was possible to love you more. But that changed the day we popped that kid out into this world together. Not many woman can say that. But you did just as much work that day as me. In fact, probably more....I had that awesome epidural afterall.

Once that nurse tucked our little Destroyer into your arms though my love for you hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing you become a dad has totally strengthened my love for you. As impossible as that seems because I already loved you so much. And every day, with every new accomplishment in parenting that we make, that love grows stronger. Oh c'mon, I said I wasn't being sarcastic!

Right now I can hear you in the next room playing legos with our son. I can hear his laugh and how happy he is playing with his daddy. Our family dynamic may not be traditional but it's perfect and I love you for that. I love that you co-parent with me instead of leaving the "mama" stuff to me. I love that almost two years later you still get up for night feedings with me when Raine is having a bad night even though I tell you that you don't have to. You never missed a night feeding. You haven't missed a doctors appointment. You are there for everything. I love you for all that and so much more.

So, in honor of you, I made this video. Raine helped by being all cute and inspiring :) I hope it doesn't embarrass you too much....again, do you see me caring? ;D


So, did I fill your attention quota for the month at least? 

....and are you ready for another baby yet??

We love you
Happy Father's Day, Honey. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Embrace The Camera: A Day At The....Zoo?

In an attempt to drag myself out of the funk I've been in we rounded up Raine and our friends Marc, Melinda, and Little Miss Bails and took a day trip to Action Wildlife which is our local caged animal exhibit zoo-type place. They really don't have anything interesting. Just various types of goats and cattle that I can probably see on any farm in Connecticut but they have a zebra so that's probably how they can get away with having "action" in their title. 

The zebra seemed pissed. 

That's some action for ya. 

But we had fun and getting out of the house with friends cheered me up and also made me sleepy which are two things you will never find me complaining about....oh, I already have? Crap. 

This goat had some serious attention seeking personality issues

Scream at all the things!!!

What?




According to Marc, This here pony knew the grass was greener on the other side. I agree. It's sprinkled with yellow too. C'mon, who doesn't like yellow?

They had an attached park. Raine is officially a fan of parks, by the way. 







We are a vampire family. Can you tell we don't get much sun?

I'll probably never spend the money on the place again but it was worth it to get out of the house, be with friends (more like family) and to see the smile on Raine's face playing in the park =)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Thank You


You know, It's funny. I had no intention of posting yesterday. I wanted to just curl up in bed with my son and yes, I'll admit it, maybe feel a little sorry for myself regardless of all of life's blessings surrounding me. Something was just tugging at me to write though which is always the way with me but this tug was just a little bit more insistent than I am used to.

I have received so many emails and comments regarding yesterday's post. Emails and comments expressing how some of you are going through or had gone through the same thing. Some of you have a loved one suffering and you needed perspective and even more of you that just wanted to send a kind word of support.

Thank you.

Sometimes I wonder what I am writing for. I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle my life for my son, my future children, and for my husband and I to look back and have a good chuckle. It had never occurred to me that my words would ever mean anything to anyone. That they matter.

I've always had this pull to write. I've never been much on storytelling (although I have been known to spin a tale or two) but I have always been more compelled to chronicle everything. My thoughts, feelings, life around me. Nothing was safe from my pencil.  Journals were a passion of mine growing up and when the internet entered my life I started blogging and never looked back. Writing made my hand hurt after all.

My words have always been for me and now my family but wow..... it's something else entirely to know that something I wrote resonated in someone else. That they actually mattered and helped people. Call in corny, call it what you will.

I am SO glad that my words found some of you and I thank those of you that had words to help me through as well. Yesterday's post wasn't easy for me, I even considered deleting it a few times once it was live but you guys made me feel so much better about posting it.

Who needs therapy when blogging is free, right?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Entering The Thunderdome


I know I said on friday that I was pretty content with life lately and I wasn't really wishing for much ....... and that's still true but it's possible I have been being a little dishonest with myself. Sometimes I think that if I keep telling myself things are perfect that things will just automatically be so but as we all know, things just don't work that way.

All my life I have suffered from some form of mental issue or another. There have been many diagnoses', medications, and doctors throughout the years. The last five years it seems we have the issue pinned down. I won't bore you with all of the medical jargon but to put it plainly, I seem to go through "attacks" occasionally of major depression, irritability, and now even anxiety. Anxiety never used to be part of the trinity. I had instances of panic attacks as a kid but I wasn't much for being anxious all the time.....but not anymore. Now I am a panic attack ridden paranoid wreck.

I'm going through an "attack" right now. I have been majorly depressed for the last two weeks and the panic attacks have launched me into a whole new realm of neurotic. I keep hearing and seeing things. Monsters have suddenly become real and I am convinced everyone is out to get me. Of course, I also believe that the zombie apocalypse is upon us so as you can see, my judgement is a little skewed and my concerns can hardly be taken seriously.

They aren't like the few panic attacks I remember having as a kid either. Those were like mini heart attacks. All heart pounding, tightening and pain in the chest, and not being able to breathe. These are nothing like that. Saturday I went into uber panic attack mode over a MOVIE. (In my defense, it was a paranormal movie actually meant to scare people.) They start off normally enough and then I hyperventilate .....according to Jimmy anyway. He's no doctor but he may as well be. My heart rate slows and then suddenly speeds up to hyper speed, my vision gets foggy, my fingers tingle and go numb, and sometimes my body even freezes up all while I'm sucking in air like I haven't had it my whole damn life. Saturday was probably made worse by the little extra caffeine I had that day.

I am not usually this person. Oh, I am neurotic. Make no mistake about that but I'm not always depressed and anxious like this. I always feel so ashamed when these attacks happen even though I know there is no reason to be. I used to hide a lot of this stuff from people but at one point, due to the insistence of a therapist I was seeing at the time, I was a lot more honest and open with people about my problem. Unfortunately it didn't go over well and as a result I ended up closing myself off to that aspect of my life. I don't talk about it. I think it's assumed that I just "got over it" when I stopped drinking (yeah, that was an issue at one point to. Self medicating....it's a thing) but really I just learned to shut my mouth because the reception from even the people closest to me was never very good.

Anyone who has ever been even mildly depressed or suffered from sadness knows that "getting over it" is not really an option. One does not simply get over things in that way and if you manage to do so then you're either lucky or the issue wasn't all that much of an issue to begin with.

The thing is, there is nothing for me to be ashamed about. I am a warrior. I have gone through this my entire life and I have always beaten it. I have always come out on top. Where is the shame in that? Experiencing sadness and pain is a part of life and necessary in order to appreciate happiness. You can't know one without the other. Life has been pretty damn good to me the last couple of years and I appreciate every ounce of happiness that has come of that. I wouldn't be able to do that if I things were perfect happiness and rainbows all of the time. My pain has helped me recognize and appreciate happiness so therefor I find that I can even appreciate the pain. But still....

The Pain lies.
So I am just going to have to go all Buffy on it.  

The last few days have been spent cuddled up watching cartoons with The Boy. Raine is getting his two year molars a little early so there are tears in both our eyes it seems. I have considered getting us both a prescription of Xanax and just being done with it. No one told me the molars were going to be so bad. So I've prescribed unlimited bed and cartoons for the two of us until further notice. When Raine sleeps I work out because it clears the fog in my head. If it gets quiet around the blog at all over the next few weeks it's because I'm kicking some major depression and two year molar ass!

Writing this post has helped so much. I think talking about it is probably necessary and even though I have some reservations I think I need to get over the past reactions people have had and just let it out. For now I think I will avoid the medical aspect of things though. It gets confusing for some people to understand. Assumptions are made and there can be misunderstandings. I don't think the actual cause is so important in the telling as much as the symptoms. Because it's the symptoms that have the biggest hold on me sometimes.

I will defeat this foe the way I always do. I have had this demon by the throat for just over 24 years now. Another battle will be won and life will go on. I hesitated writing this post. That shame I was talking about sort of crept up on me for a minute but admitting it and writing it out has been liberating. I think hitting post is going to be even more so.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Instagram Lovins

I should have never complained about the humidity we were having because this week was CHILLY. Maybe not to some people but definitely to me and I could tell Raine was chilled too....but he likes it that way. That kid can never be too cold but he hates to be too warm. That's the last time I open my big mouth to whine though!

It was a quiet week around these parts... like most weeks ;) With the weather being off Raine got a little obsessed with ABCmouse.com. I'm hoping next week things will be nicer and we can get outside again. I don't want Raine to get accustomed to always being on the computer......like his mother.


1} One pillow will simple not do. No sir.
2} I can't live without this each day. I don't care if it's even decaf as long as it's coffee.
3} This kid will take your hand off for some goldfish crackers.
4} There was an old lady who swallowed a horse....she's dead of course! Raine's new favorite book and song. Thankfully I enjoy it too.
5} Raine's curls are getting out of control. But way too adorable to chop off. Still not ready for that.
6} Sometimes Hipstamatic messes up in a good way.
7} Peekaboo Daddy.
8} A healthy lunch for me and way more fulfilling oddly.

Do you instagram? Follow me: mrs_aerykssen

Friday, June 8, 2012

Currently...

Loving
ABCmouse.com. I love teaching Raine new things but I was having a little problem structuring what we worked on each day. Things started to get random and chaotic. I try to be hands on and teach him things throughout his normal daily play activities but I think I was starting to overload him with numbers, letters, shapes, and everything else....heck, I was overloading myself! So I tried ABCmouse and it helped get us a little bit more organized. He's sort of obsessed with it to be honest. Probably because we sit down together and I sing like a fool along with the songs play with him. I don't want to just plop him down in front of it and do my thing. I like being involved and he likes that too. Again, it's probably that whole mommysingslikeanidiot-thing. If I even say ABCmouse or he sees the commercial on t.v. he's running to the computer screaming. I know they say it's for ages 2 through 6 but Raine is close enough and already counting to 5, knows most colors, and knows his abc's. Hey, what can I say? I get bored so I teach him stuffs ;) Maybe I should quit all the teaching and let him play because the kid can't even climb up on anything yet. But then what will I do??!!

Raine talks gibberish sometimes but he's actually counting and saying "two" "three" and "apple" in this video. He says so many words but none of them are very clear and perfectly pronounced just yet....well, except for "cookie". This kid definitely knows how to pronounce cookie.....glutton in training *cough* like someone else we know.  But half the time it takes even me a week to figure out what he is saying ;) 


Thinking about
Hacking all my hair off.....again. I do this a lot. I grow my hair out as long as I can stand it (midway down my back usually) and then I hack it all off short. Now that I am a mom I am so sick of maintaining my hair. I have naturally curly locks but I have been straightening it for YEARS now. I always hated my curl and had issues making them work for me but lately I have been sort of embracing them. Dare I say, loving them? Problem is they fall a little flat and I definitely need some layers to make it happen BUT I know that will take some length off. I either want my hair really long or just short. The in between shoulder length frustrates me. Decisions Decisions.

How could I not love these curls?! And Oh. My. God. Brown hair in 07' It's been so long since I've seen my natural color.

This is what I am considering. But will it be easier to manage? Maybe harder? =/
Images via 1 / 2

I've actually had the length before just haven't tried curly.... please ignore my "omg I'm so tired from taking care of this 1 month old" appearance. 

Anticipating
The changes in Jimmy's job to finally be resolved. We have actually had three houses picked out for awhile now but have to wait for said changes to take place before we can move forward with any of them or even make our decision on which one it will be. The wait is killing me. We have been waiting for awhile and new developments keep popping up that make the changes even better on our end but are throwing a wrench in the waiting aspect of the whole thing. I just want to move already and move on with the next chapter of our lives. I'm also hating that he is working so late. It makes me bonkers to never see him =(

Listening to
There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly by Simms Taback and narrated by Cyndi Lauper on youtube. I hear this a lot lately. It was one of Raine's favorite books for me to read but now he also loves watching the video. It gives me a break and probably him too from hearing mommy's bad singing voice ;)

Working on
Losing some weight and getting healthier. I know I say this a lot but I have to get serious now (I know, I say that a lot too). I had a very rough couple days with my reflux and tummy after the holiday weekend and eating all that greasy food. I can't keep putting myself through this. I know losing some weight and just living a healthier lifestyle in general will eliminate some (if not all) of my problem. I have a child and a husband to think about and if the reflux gets bad enough it can burn my esophagus and actually give me cancer so what the heck am I thinking? No amount of pizza and mozzarella sticks is going to make up for my family losing me. And I personally would rather not be dead to. That's a bonus.

So this week I have done ninety minutes on the elliptical 6 days in a row (that's 850 calories burned per day!) to jumpstart my determination and then I will do an hour daily. It's good for my mood too and sleep at night has been so much better with the extra exercise. I'm also eating breakfast (I am NOT a breakfast person, by the way) and keeping up with all the extra vegetables because it seems that I feel better when I make them the majority of my diet. I will allow myself the "bad" stuff once in awhile but moderation is key. And moderation does not mean once a week! I need to tell myself that. ;)

Watching
My son sleep on the video monitor and thinking how cute and precious he looks when he's not yelling at me to read him a book or demanding food ;D

Reading
Raine books! All the time. I can't read a book of my own because he expects me to read it to him and Stephen King probably isn't the type of thing I should be reading him. He loves when we read and I'll admit I have taken to hiding his books during certain parts of the day so that he'll actually eat or go to sleep! Yeah, he's bad. His favorite is still Five Little Monkeys. I hate the five little monkeys...

Wishing
There isn't much I am wishing for other than the house thing and maybe a new baby but those are things I know will come in due time so I just need to be patient. Maybe that's my wish then......patience because God knows I wasn't made with a drop of that stuff in me. I am the most impatient person you will ever meet. But I am working on it. Other than patience, I'm actually pretty content at the moment. =)

So....what's currently up with all of you? 

This post was totally inspired by Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet. :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Walks and Puddle Jumping

Raine has become quite spoiled with outdoor time lately. I think he's going to be one of those kids that always wants to be outside playing. It's all I hear about first thing every morning. "Out?" or "Bye Bye Car?" while he's standing by the back door. The other day we had a quick thunderstorm and Raine had his face pressed against the window the entire time. He didn't waste no time once it was over begging me to go out. He likes to run laps around the house playing in all the puddles. Did I mention he's a water baby too? 


C'mon, Mom. Hurry up. Let's go. 

He'd take off down the road if we weren't right next to him.

Emily is taking a break today from Embrace The Camera to move. Click below and wish her luck!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Ma'am? Can I snuggle your baby?

Okay so, you're going to think I am crazy....if you don't already. It's okay if you do because I'm pretty convinced I'm crazy myself so no harm no foul, right? How about we just go with I'm crazy and then the rest of this post will make SO much more sense, K? Cool.

I have had baby fever something fierce. I am not even sure where it came from and when I think about Jimmy and I trying for #2 I get all nervous and unsure so I sort of don't get it. Actually Jimmy has the fever just as bad which is kind of cute seeing as he's a guy and I don't know many guys who go through that but at the same time I'm like "who are you? You're weird" so that's that.

Anyway, when I see a baby I get all "aaww" literally to the point of tears. I get a little ache in my chest and give James the puppy dog eyes which he returns (again, weird) and then we just agree that we will definitely start trying by the end of the year or maybe once we have a house. Blah blah blah.

I seem to recall feeling this exact same way when I wanted a puppy before we found out about Raine. Now that Raine is here I definitely don't want a puppy. Puppies are the furthest thing from my mind. Puppies don't fill the space anymore. But that's neither here nor there...

I've found another baby though to devote my time, love, and affections on.....while my first beloved child sleeps of course. Usually I cuddle Raine to the point of irritation but he needs to sleep once in awhile I suppose so I found a back-up. He's SO adorable. His name is Lachlan (isn't that the prettiest old irish name?!) and he's only a few days old. He loves to be cuddled which I do constantly while I force his parents to grow corn for me. He only needs his diaper changed once a day too! Isn't that the perfect baby?! Oh, I'm sorry....did I forget to mention that he's a SIM BABY?

Yeah, that's right. I am coddling and obsessing over a video game baby. Next I'll be putting the cats in moby wraps and carrying them around when I grocery shop.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Lessons From Raine

I spend so much time teaching Raine new things that it always knocks me for a loop when he becomes the teacher and I, the student.  

I think I have mentioned before that I don't live in the best of neighborhoods. The neighbors have some drug issues and also sell them too. Every day I witness at least 12 drug deals before 3 p.m. A couple of weeks ago another set of neighbors got into a 20 person fist fight basically in our front yard at 2 a.m. It's one of many reasons we want to move and sort of wish we didn't actually own this house. I basically hide myself and Raine inside with the shades drawn and don't bother going out unless we are actually leaving the neighborhood. 

The other day Raine was at the window with the shade pulled aside and he was banging on the glass and yelling up a storm. He'd stop and giggle then go back to banging and yelling and then he'd stop and giggle again. I looked out and saw that three of my neighbors were out on their sidewalk making what looks like another drug deal but (get this) they had stopped what they are doing to play with my son through the window. Raine would bang and yell and they would dance in the street and make faces just to get him to laugh. When Raine was done he kissed the window and walked in his room to be put down for his nap. If he was outside I know my kid would have ran over to hug all three of these guys. They waved at me and I waved and smiled back then went and put The Boy to sleep. 

The thing is, somewhere in my head I had assumed that if these people were involved in such bad behavior that they must just naturally be bad people. That isn't always true and it took the innocence of my child who seems to love everyone with no judgements to learn that isn't always the case. Raine didn't care who they were, what they were doing, or anything else other than they were outside and he wanted to play with them. When I witnessed the "big evil drug dealers" playing with my son I realized that I had misjudged them based on their actions.

I have been trying to settle into a more peaceful place in my life (some of you may remember this post) and part of my path towards that peace has been not to judge others so quickly. It seems to be human nature to judge each other but I have been doing well with it regardless. In this particular situation though with my neighbors I had judged them pretty harshly based on their behavior instead of who they were. I shouldn't be judging them at all. 

The above pin happened to pop up on my pinterest the next day. Pretty fitting, I know. I'm printing it out and hanging it in my home to remind me. Sometimes even if someone is doing wrong I need to remember it is STILL not my place to judge them. My neighbors have a bunch of kids living in their home. Maybe they feel they need to sell drugs in order to feed them. Work is very hard to come by around here. Regardless of their reasons though it is not up to me to pass judgment. Plus, what good is me judging them to them or myself. Not much really. In fact, my judgments don't really hurt them at all but they can put quite a beating on my own character, can't they?

I need to think outside the box sometimes too. Two weeks ago at a store there was a man staring at Raine. I immediately assumed he was some sort of pedophile and became nervous. But what if I was wrong? What if he had a son but he hasn't seen him in awhile and Raine reminded him of him. What if his son was away serving our country or worse, what if he had died? Or maybe it was as simple as him seeing how long Raine's hair was and thinking to himself "Damn lady, you need to cut that kid's hair" duh!

That's not to say I should accept everyone with open arms and full trust into my life either. In this world it's necessary to exercise a degree of caution with people (unfortunately) but looking at a person and saying "He might be out to hurt me or my family I should be weary" is not the same as saying "He's staring at my kid so he is a pedophile and I need to run away". 


I found this last image on pinterest too and it seemed just as fitting. If I spend more time concerned with working on myself then I won't have time to look everywhere else with my apparently evil thoughts. Like I said, I'm getting better as long as I remain aware of it. Raine helps a lot. It kills me to know that he probably won't retain all of this innocence in this world we live in. But if I learn these things from him now than maybe he can learn from me how to retain some of that innocence later. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Imperfection Is Perfection


I am going to tell you a secret, I am not perfect. Hell, it's not much of a secret. ;) In a perfect blogging world I am probably the kid that sits in the cafeteria alone with the nerdy glasses and the second hand clothes (Wait, that's cool now) . I don't mean to be it's just who I am. My home isn't perfect and I don't cook. Oh, I like to cook....occasionally, but my husband is way better at that than I. Sometimes I go three days without even getting out of my jammies and I have considered getting rid of my unlimited data plan because now that I work from home I barely leave the house so I have constant access to wifi. My life isn't full of much adventure outside of potty training and washing the dog. I'm not very crafty like everyone seems to be lately (I'm totally jealous about this, by the way!) and my photography is mediocre at best. I swear....a lot. I try not to. I really do but.....*sigh*. Ya wanna know what else? I am totally cool with that. I don't want to be perfect. I just want to be me =)

What IS perfect anyway? And do any of us want to be IT? I think perfect is when we can finally take a look around at our lives and be completely happy with it. Okay, laundry needs doing and those lamps are dusty.....at least my kid is happy because I spent time with with him all day. I have a few extra pounds on my rear end but so what? It's what is helping me make milk to feed my child. My husband doesn't seem to give a crap that I'm still in my jammies when he gets home. In fact, all it takes to arouse his frisky side is a pair of patterned socks on my feet. Oh yeah, he's mighty weird but a happy man it seems.

I think sometimes both in real life and in blogging I feel I need to put off this certain level of perfection. But things are perfect just the way they are. When I decided to stay home with Raine I started thinking I needed to do all these "mommy" things to fit in and make staying home acceptable. Things like play dates, socializing in mommy groups, keeping the house spotless, and taking over Jimmy's chores and cooking too. That crap lasted about a week in our house before Jimmy got too ansty and took back his chores. And I needed to face the fact that I am a homebody. Always have been. I like to socialize but in moderation so this mommy/play date stuff wasn't happening. Not all the time anyway.

I worried for about five minutes that Raine was going to be a hermit like his parents. We brought him into some situations with other kids and he'd just cry and cry. But then I tried a different, smaller group of kids and he was fine. Hugging other kids, weirding them all out with all this attention, and talking to them up a storm. He's fine in groups of 3-4 but get him in groups of 10-12 and he gets shy, nervous, and whiny. No big deal. I get shy, nervous, and whiny when I'm around that many kids too! At the park the other day he was running around talking to everyone. He hugged some random little girl and was all about taking everyone's water bottles. I may have to put a leash on him actually. I could probably take a lesson from my kid on being more social with others, now that I think about it.

It's pretty apparent that I dress funny (jammies) and have wild colored hair (probably till I'm ninety) and have a fondness of tattoos. That's not representative of the traditional idea of perfection at all. Certainly not the image one conjures up when they think "Stay-at-home-mom" but it all works for me. It works for our family. And I am happier than a slinging in the poo mud =D