Sunday, September 30, 2012

Instagram Lovins

I am really trying to get back into the swing of things around here after Raine's party and this family just being on and off sick but I can't seem to do it. On top of everything, I've been lost in the world of crafts getting ready for the baby shower and having way too much fun in the process. Then, just as we think we are all finally feeling better, one of us gets stuffy and feverish again. Doesn't help that the weather has been wonky this last week. One day warm and breezy and the next it's cold and raining. That can't be good for healing sickness. 

Raine has been keeping me on my toes as well. Especially with all the new toys he has from his birthday. He's into everything! Plus he's learning like a million things a day. He is pointing out letters to me everywhere. On the packages of his new toys, on the t.v., on street signs, and even at the grocery store on food packaging. He's also turning into quite the little artist with all his new crayons, markers, and paints. We had a few gift cards to cash in so we got him an easel and it's pretty much his favorite thing right now. Now while mom crafts all these parties this kid stays busy. Win/win.


1} Is this enough tape runners? Probably not...
2} Diving in to all his new treasures the day after his party.
3} Left over decorations still hanging because I love this kite too much to take it down. I think it's staying.
4} This new iPad case Raine got makes his iPad games SO much easier because he can't hit the home button and accidentally boot himself from the game/lesson he's using.
5} Shots and band aids from Raine's two month well visit make me all sorts of sad :/ (Did I just post a bloody band aid on my blog? Of course I did)
6} My new favorite necklace from The {Posh} Daisy. I love this thing!

Hope you're enjoying your weekend!! :D

Do you instagram? Follow me: mrs_aerykssen

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday's Letters


Dear Craigslist,
I know I have been harsh about you in the past but I take it back... Most of it anyway. I think we furnished almost our entire (potential) new house for under $500! Barely used practically new stuff too. I'm psyched. I guess it just takes a little patience sifting through your ads to avoid the scams and money hungry individuals trying to sell their junk!

Dear body,
Relax! You're out if control. Who knew the end of breastfeeding would cause all this chaos. My hormones are all out of whack and I'm going through so many weird changes that this hypochondriac was convinced she was dying. Just cool it a little, will ya?

Dear pediatrician,
Why do you terrify me so. I swear I am more anxious to bring Raine to your office than I am if I have a doctor's appointment. Its not like I'M the one getting a needle! We love your office so it has nothing to do with you. Something about my kid getting shots or possibly being sick makes my stomach all twisty. Maybe it's a normal mommy thing but ugh, I'm anxious for days beforehand. So glad this last appointment is over and we don't see you for another 6 months.... We love you anyway, though. :)

Dear Raine,
You're (once again) growing so fast. I always worry you're a little behind on development and like always I am proven totally wrong. Turns out you're even a little ahead according to your doctor. Pfft, just goes to show that mommy doesn't know crap about kids and their development. Your doctor did say though that you need to start climbing and what not. That's my fault cause I never take you outside.... Too many weirdos in this neighborhood. Hopefully we'll move soon and be able to work on that stuff more. I think I I even peeped a little boy about your age to play with living next door to the (potential) new house :) Fingers AND toes crossed now for that to work out.

Dear blog,
Thanks for being a place for me to just write. Sometimes all I need is a good vent to figure it all out and find some closure for a situation. Sometimes the only way to do that is to just write. There's something about being able to go back to a post and reread it thats therapeutic too. I love this little space of mine.

Dear James,
I am so glad it's Friday and your birthday is over. Apparently you think your birthday entitles you to do as many Aaron Neville impressions as you like. I kept my mouth shut because it WAS your birthday but today.... Today it ends! I love you but no. Absolutely not.

Happy Weekend, Home Slices!

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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Inspire Me: Healthy

Stats
Weight loss this week: 0 .... gained 1 lb :(
Total weight loss: 10 lbs

Okay, there are no excuses but I am going to make them anyway. It's been a hard week, guys. With Raine's birthday party (hello! Rainbow cake, anyone??) and being all emotional for a few days there I'm actually surprised I didn't gain more. Plus it's that time of the month, folks. That's an excuse enough right there.

I managed to hold on for the most part and only missed one workout though and I am sure that is what saved me from the scale shooting up 5 lbs instead of 1. It was the food that got me.... and boy did it get me!

Monday after the party, after I consumed cake, grinders, and chips, I was so stinkin sick. I thought I was going to die. My poor tummy hurt so bad! It's been 3 months since I have indulged in junk food and boy was my body giving me hell over it. I even had to take my reflux medication. Just one damn day of consuming the icky stuff and I paid for it for two. It wasn't worth it at all.

In fact, it didn't even taste as good as I remember.

I'm right back on that horse though and ready to kick that scale's ass. Plus I need to go punch this reflux in the face too.

You know what we need? Motivation.....



That's better :)

Also! It's Jimmy's birthday today. 35th to be exact which is what I thought but he argued for a bit that it wasn't but then he couldn't remember how old he actually was. Things were settled this morning when Facebook clearly said 35. So......


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY!!

Now hopefully I can stay away from having more cake....

All In My Twenties
images via 1/2/3/4

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Living With Mistakes


I am not perfect.

"Geez Trac, how many times are you going to tell us this?"

I feel like I have to because I can't seem to catch a break from people pointing this out to me lately. It doesn't seem to matter that I am well aware of this fact. Everyone still feels the need to drive it home and God, I've had enough of feeling like shit about myself!

Yes, my cheeks are still wet from a horrible week but you know what? Honey badger don't care. Honey badger doesn't give a shit.... except I do give a shit, I think.

I said yesterday that I was m.i.a. because I was exhausted and that was the truth. Half the truth anyway. I've been pretty damn down the last few days too. I was avoiding my blog because I didn't want it tainted with my terrible mood but then it occurred to me just why I created this space to begin with years ago. This blog was created in a therapist's chair. It was intended as a place for me to speak, a place for me to "work it out" and not just the good stuff. It was supposed to be for the real stuff. The good, the bad, the ugly and the hilarious. It's about my life through my eyes.

Therapy.

Well, my eyes are pretty puffy at the moment and I just want to punch something in the head but this is probably counterproductive because I would just feel bad for anything I may punch with a head which would probably just make me cry all over again. But back to the point...

I am not perfect and I have a past. A sketchy one that wasn't all rainbows and puppies. I've hurt people and I have hurt myself. My path to who and what I am today was a dark, thorny, cold, muddy mess. More than half of that mess was of my own creation and I am well aware of it. I am no fool. I can't blame anyone but myself and I have never tried to. I take full responsibility for my life but I also take full responsibility for how awesome it has turned out recently.

I have learned from my mistakes and I have made puppies and rainbows out of them, dammit. Puppies, I tell you!

I have been constantly reminded that I have hurt a lot of people along the way (not that I have ever failed to realize this) and I am always sorry for what I have done. So sorry in fact that I have actually begun to hate myself. See, because I don't believe people change exactly. I believe we basically remain who we are but I do believe we grow and when you grow then the person you grow into could possibly be a new person. A new version of who you already are.

Think butterflies, okay? The caterpillar is always deep down the same caterpillar but eventually grows into a butterfly. Following? I'm not even sure if I'm even following at this point.....

Anyway, with that in mind, if I begin to hate who I was and the things that I did, how I hurt those I love, then in theory I begin to hate myself and who I am presently because who I am and who I was are connected. They are the same. I may have learned from my mistakes but I am still the same person who was capable of doing them to begin with.

Then a friend said to me the other day "But Traci, how bad do you think you actually were? I don't recall this monster that you have made yourself out to be. I recall a sad, self destructive girl but I sure as hell don't remember you being risen by satan himself"

BAM! Epiphany!

I spent a decade of my life (which is literally 1/3 of it) indulging in every form of self destructive behavior I could think up. I drank, I hurt myself, I was promiscuous, I hurt loved ones, I pushed people away, and I lashed out pretty bad. This went on for a long time. I had/have other psychological issues going on and the drinking I was doing greatly exasperated the symptoms of those issues. I was self medicating. Plain and simple. And when I felt hurt by those I loved my reaction was to hurt back..... hard. I tried to hurt them more than they hurt me. An eye for an eye, so to speak.

There is no excuse for the way I acted back then but now, when I look at things from my friend's perspective, I see she's right. I wasn't a monster by any means. There were no excuses for my behavior but at least now I understand where I was coming from at the time. I hurt people because I was hurt and I was also hurting myself more by hurting them which, at the time, was apparently my goal to begin with. But I wasn't intentionally setting out to destroy lives or score souls for the devil or something.

All of that ended three years ago when I got pregnant with Raine and I quit the damn booze. It's what I mean when I say that Raine saved my life. Once the alcohol was out of the picture I was able to deal with my psychological issues head on and keep things properly controlled. Life got better. Then came the slow progress of picking up the pieces and fixing my life and fixing the holes I had made in it. That included fixing my relationships too. Those that could be fixed anyway.

But some can't be fixed and it's understandable why some people can't let go of the past. I get it. I totally do but just because I understand doesn't automatically mean that I deserve to be condescended to or patronized though. My heart was never in the wrong place. I didn't wake up some mornings and think "today is a wonderful day to hurt some feelings" either. I've learned my lesson. I learned that two wrongs don't make a right. That hurting others isn't the appropriate way to deal with them initially hurting me. I've begged for forgiveness a million times. Just because someone can't provide that forgiveness doesn't mean that beating myself up is going to fix it nor do I deserve to be treated harshly for things that happened five years ago. Letting them make me feel bad forever isn't going to change what I did either. It only holds me back from growing and I am not going to allow people to hold me back anymore.

The past is the past and if you insist on trying to drag me back into it then I am sorry, but you need to get out of my way.

I need to forgive myself. I can not be responsible any longer for how others feel. I have done what I was supposed to. Me forgiving me is what's important. I am not a monster. I am just a person who made mistakes.

I am still remorseful of my actions and some of the choices I made but I no longer feel regret. I did a lot of crazy things but I am done feeling sad or even embarrassed about it all. So my life is a mess. If it was perfect it would be pretty uninteresting. I made mistakes and I learned from them. What good, decent, life isn't riddled with mistakes? Making mistakes means you have LIVED.

Besides, If I hadn't made these millions of mistakes then chances are I wouldn't be sitting here right now with my beautiful son in my lap (drooling all over my shirt I might add) while snuggled up to my husband.

Chances are that the strong relationships that remain in my life would never have been built so steadfast. Steadfast indeed to have put up with all my shit.

And chances are I'd be looking back on my adolescence and saying
"Well that was boring"

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Amazing World of Gumball Birthday Party

I've been m.i.a. the last few days because we had Raine's birthday party this Sunday and then I was just simply exhausted. I had everything done for the party days before but I had to do all the baking on Saturday and I was up till 1 a.m. doing that. Then we had the party and after that this family was still battling a cold we still haven't been able to shake from last week. Add a few other slices of drama and all I can say is I was beat. The kid and I spent the day in bed yesterday and it was so nice. Kind of wish I could do it again today but alas, life must carry on.

So I was editing the photos and thought I'd share a few from Raine's The Amazing World of Gumball themed birthday party....

did I mention it was also rainbow themed? 

You can't really see in these photos but the banner is done in the shows font and each letter features a character from the show. You would think that I would get a better picture of that.... 

I am in love with this silhouette I made of Raine. It's the best one I think I have done so far. 

Oh yeah, pinterest inspirations all up in here. 

I made everything myself. I may be a little proud of this... I won't lie. 

He enjoyed "reading" the cards more than he liked opening the dang presents. 

I'm also extremely proud of this cake. I can bake just fine but when it comes to frosting... forget it. I'm terrible. But I think I sort of nailed it this time. I was going for the messy look in case you're wondering. Cut me a break.


Raine loved everything. He's been running around asking for "cake" for two days now so I guess that made an impression on him. I really had fun planning this party. Usually I get all sorts of stressed out but not this time around. I didn't have the heart to throw any of the decorations away I worked so hard on though so I decided that when we move Raine's new room will be Gumball themed too. That way nothing is wasted and I save a little cash on top of it. Win/win, right? I'll miss his Nightmare Before Christmas nursery but it's time for a "big boy" room and I can't bring the Jack decal with me anyway. It's time for a change anyway I think.

Happy Tuesday, Homies!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Friday's Letters

Dear Raine,
Sunday will mark the two year anniversary of the scariest yet most exciting day of my life. Ironically it was also the day that I was the most high that I have ever been... Not that your mom has ever been high *cough* ...those drugs they give us momma's...whoa.


You know your mom. I always got jokes.

I can't believe that only two years ago you were a little tiny baby that fit in my tummy. Okay, barely fit in my tummy. You were 10 lbs and I thank God for that because I was scared of breaking you as it is. If you had been any tinier, oh my!

It's still so clear to me the way it felt to first hold you. I had gone through so many changes in preparation for you but it wasn't until I had you in my arms that the biggest changes were able to take place. Your mom wasn't always the person you know now and I thank you and your daddy so much for giving me a reason to change, a reason to live.


Because that's what you are. My perfect reason to keep living. To keep fighting. My perfect gift from God. My miracle. You're the one thing I wanted without even realizing it. So many things I wasted my time on but in the end you and your father are what I needed all along.

And you're growing up so fast! The last few weeks you have started to learn things at a rapid rate. It won't be long until you join your father and start going on about the appropriate viscosity of things around the house. Mommy still doesn't even know what "viscosity" even is but your dad does. He'll teach you.


Your vocabulary has tripled in the last month and you're talking my ear off everyday which is totally cool because our one sided conversations were making mommy feel a little idiotic. Now you ask me what things are and ask "why?" a lot and I'm enjoying explaining the answers to you even if sometimes the answer is "because I said so!". You know, because you're mischievous too. ;)

Your reading requirements have tripled as well and short children's stories filled with pictures don't seem to cut it anymore. You love when I read you Narnia and Harry Potter but get pretty pissed when I don't finish the book in one sitting. I probably read to you 3 hours a day.... I'm lucky though that I love to read and I'm hoping this is an indication that you're going to dig it too.


You count to 10 and know your alphabet. Elmo is your homie right now and pretty much all of the characters of Sesame Street bring a big smile to your face. You love hugs and your dad is pretty much your favorite person ever. You hate broccoli and that is literally the only food you hate right now which is odd because it was the first thing you ever ate and you used to love that shiz.

We have been blessed in that you're the best behaved child ever.... or maybe we are the most patient parents ever because even when you do get a little whiny it's no big thing. You have had a "time out" only twice so far but more because you had gotten frustrated and not for being "bad" in any way. The second time you actually put yourself in time out to "cool off" I guess. What toddler even does that? You make it so easy and you make parenting fun! But just in case, if this is some sort of calm before the teenager storm I'd appreciate if you weren't as wild as your mother was, okay?


You, my dear son, have made the last two years of my life the happiest and the most amazing your dear Mom has ever known. Your dad helped of course ;) I couldn't imagine my life without you and it's almost as if life didn't begin until you were born. You're my bestest little friend and I love you to pieces ...... even if you don't let me sleep in like ever.

But enough of that sentimental stuff, are you psyched about your party on Sunday? You're probably clueless but I'm pretty jazzed about it. You'll be happy to know that there will be cake. Lots of cake.

I love you, kid.


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Inspire Me: Healthy

image via

Stats
Weight loss this week: 1 lb
Total weight loss: 11 lbs

Seems I'm on a steady 1 lb a week decline which I'm totally cool with. It's a healthy rate of loss and still puts me at about 7-8 weeks give or take till I hit my goal. Once I hit my weight I think I'm then going to step back from the 90 minute elliptical workouts. I'll probably need to in order to maintain properly. I still want to work on toning and overall health though so I'm thinking I'll be trying "The Shred" at that point.... If I can handle the major decrease in exercise that is. Maybe I'll do it twice a day ;)

One of the downsides of the weight loss (I know, I should be slapped for even suggesting there is one) is that I'm running out of clothes that fit for the opposite reason. Everything's too big. Being that we are going to be broke for a bit due to this house stuff I can't really afford to update my wardrobe either.

Last year we bought costumes for Halloween that we didn't end up using because we went on our honeymoon instead. We figured we'd just use them this year. I pulled out the dress part of my costume and tried it on and I'm swimming in the damn thing. Sure I'm psyched but I paid $75 for it and it still has the tags. Maybe I'll get lucky with eBay or something and I can find a cheaper replacement. Hopefully.

But I appreciate that this is the problem I'm now having because squeezing into clothes that were too small was way more frustrating and depressing. I'll admit it feels pretty fantastic to feel how baggy those old jeans are.

As far as Jimmy, he's hit his goal weight and has lost some motivation in the eating healthy and exercising department. He has trouble when there is no goal to acheive. And when he's tempted with candy and junk food of course. He says he's getting back on track though so we will see how that goes. I keep giving him hell about being healthy for his family and that seems to be sinking in. I have no problem taking on the nagging wife role if I need to ;)

All In My Twenties

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Fisher Boy

Raine is going to be two years old this Sunday.

I am flabbergasted.

Someone please explain to me where two years has up and went to.

I know every mom asks that as their children grow and it's because life is suddenly fleeting when you become a mom. Not that it's not always fleeting but somehow when you become a parent it speeds up even faster.

There are parts of me that wish I could go back and relive the last two years. Now that I am not a naive and terrified new mother I would love to go back and actually relish in my infant son.

But at the same time, I think Raine is at the best age right now. He's learning and experimenting. He's interacting and becoming a person. I'm loving this age....I just hope it sticks around a little longer than the last two years have. 

Just a little longer.